Courage

i.

tears fall like glass,
stabbing,
cold, searing,
eyes burning.

a stabbing coldness,
an intense fire,
a storm inside;
she feels so alive,
but suddenly her throat is numb.

fingers grasping for her face,
struggling to erase stains:
tear-tracks, makeup, folds and creases,
traits she would have changed if she was
the Maker–

but she doesn’t know
she couldn’t surpass the
perfection of her face, her hands,
her eyes, her figure, her smile,
the image she was molded in.

mirror girl taunts the image,
but mirror girl is a lie;
mirror girl reads only lies,
the rulebook drawn by a lying society,

a lying society that lies because of
the corruption inside, unfolding,
the bitterest darkness and pride
strangling light at the core.

ii.

humans are inclined to our hearts,
which are wild and untamed, and chase after so many things,
hungering for something to satisfy a hole inside,
a burning desire to be full, full, full.

we chase joy,
we chase peace,
we chase love,
and all the pretty things,
but also darkness in disguise,
as our hearts get confused sometimes
and consider maybe darkness is what we bleed,
what our hearts should be pumping.

we take our beautiful souls for granted,
but we also elevate them above our heads,
to places we have no rights to reach to,
heights we desire but
by what means do we plan to reach there?

she cries because her heart hurts;
she followed the lies and found herself here,
and no, this is not where she thought she would be.

now she is confused,
finding within herself a darkness she
honestly doesn’t want,
so she tries to chase it away by
pursuing other things,
thinking she could do this on her own,
she doesn’t need help,
she doesn’t need anyone,
and if she did there would be no one,
because she thinks she is all
a l o n e .

and really, this is another lie we fall for,
the lie we turn to,
whether out of pity or pain,
the whisper we draw close and our hearts
cry.

iii.

only,
my dear,
in the beginning…

in the beginning we were created out of love,
and our hole was created to be filled with love,
from the ultimate source of love.

we were created to belong to a God of  l o v e ,
molded in His image to live in paradise and walk beside Him,
to love Him out of our own free will.

when everything fell apart,
He died so we wouldn’t have to,
knew unbelievable pain so we could
know unbelievable joy.

He separated Himself so
we could be close,
broke the barrier between us and
Love so we would never be
a l o n e .

we fight battles in the dark of the night,
icy tears and
fires in our souls,
but our fight is worth it because we’re
never alone.

iiii.

so she lifts her head to fight again,
lets her tears fall because sometimes
we just need to
unfold
and
let
g o .

but she refuses to give up,
laughs in the face
of the floods of darkness,
for the joy inside of her is unquenchable.

sometimes she falls apart,
but she always finds His promises true,
that He never leaves,
that He’s there to draw her close,
to take her broken pieces and
put them back together,
drawing the seams together with firm gold.

love always breaks through pain,
hope burns through fear,
joy dances through sorrow.

courage, dear heart,
in the midst of the blackest waves,
for your Shepherd
walks on water.

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Peace, Child

she has stories that fill her mind to the brim,
forlorn words that drift about and
overflow from her eyes.

she has whispers that keep her up at night,
memories that replay and regenerate,
but always she sees
people, people, real people, inexistent people,
people who laugh and talk and move in her mind’s eye.

threads and tendrils of life
spiraling about in her brain,
stray connections of colored patterns,
blank patterns that aren’t really patterns at all,
yet somehow her mind plays with even cold darkness.

she has musings she longs to
fit on the paper,
crush between letters and
soak through ink
but sometimes
even paper can’t handle her mind.

she lunges at wisps of brilliance,
or seemingly brilliance,
but they slip between the spaces in her mental fingers,
spaces she thought she had closed.

she wonders of so much
or so little, it seems to her.

sometimes her mind is chaos in a bottle,
swirling and twisting and turning and screaming and
she is the girl between the glass,
trying to cover her ears but it
doesn’t stop the thoughts —
thoughts and words and swirling twisting abstract figures that
somehow speak her language.

oh her mind is complicated,
her thoughts complicated,
her words complicated,
a chaotic rubble where she stands and seeks peace,
or the essence of peace.

her flesh does not know peace, true peace,
peace from a screaming mind fed by a
screaming world;
her soul thirsts for it.

she wanders for awhile,
lost and confused,
afraid of her own doubts,
until she hears a sound unlike all else.

hungry, hungry, she falls to her knees
crying God please,
calm the chaos, remove the madness.

hungry soul.
seeking eyes.
longing heart.

ancient pages of truth stirred by
trembling, searching hands.
another prayer.
a voice.

rest here, child.

in His arms
her raging storm is calm,
her chaotic mind is flooded with tranquility,
her soul is filled to the brim with peace.

suddenly her thoughts,
her words,
her stories,
have truly happy endings.

Late Night Thoughts

11:00
she collapses across her bed,
a million thoughts racing through her head,
although tomorrow is truly her only fear
because she worries today’s struggle will again be near.

12:00
she’s wide awake and trying not to cry,
wishing she could finally say goodbye
to the sleepless nights and madness of life
because pain always follows her strife.

1:00
tomorrow has fled and is replaced with the inevitable today,
though she wishes she could mold each moment like clay,
forming each hour as she wishes it to pass,
but oh, she knows she has no control over the hourglass.

2:00
the clock taunts her with the passing time,
scolding as if her exhaustion is a crime,
and she tosses and turns because there is no relief,
for she steals each second like a thief.

3:00
her mind is awake but pleas for rest,
and she wonders about doing what they suggest,
maybe whisper a prayer to a silent God,
though he never listens because she’s so flawed.

4:00
her hands are clasped because that’s all she knows to do,
and she’s crying because He listens to her too,
not just the “perfect” people who hold their noses in the air,
but that He loves her, and he holds her with care.

5:00
He takes her despair and replaces it with His peace,
and now she’s fast asleep as her troubles decrease,
though she’ll be up in only an hour
she knows she’s forever filled with His power.

6:00
her feet hit the floor and she’s off to the race,
but now there’s a wide smile on her face
because she knows He’ll never leave her side
even though last night she doubted and cried.

often it’s in the dark that you first notice the light.